Lately I've been thinking..
~ About where I thought I'd be (based on what my high school self thought).
~ Where I should be (if I had pushed myself so hard that I almost broke).
~ Where I could be (if I had done something differently).
I would have been either married or engaged by now. I would be almost finished with my Associate's degree in Secondary Education. I would have a crummy job that barely pays the bills. I would be madly in love with my husband or fiancé. I would never think twice about deciding to get married before having the opportunity to go away to school or to go on a mission. I would live close to my family. I would be the first kid to get married. The age difference between my husband or fiancé and I would be a large amount (think 5-10 years). I would settle for nothing less than a sealing ceremony in the temple to a worthy priesthood holder. I would be the first kid to have a baby. I would have a great job to start at once I graduated. I would save my first kiss for my husband.
I should be a college graduate (an associate's degree). I should have had a useful, looks really good on a resume, could get me into my dream job, high paying job, something that I love kind of job [<<<< I should also know what a run-on sentence looks like]. I shouldn't have thrown away those chances at love (even if I wasn't totally feeling it; I turned things off way too quickly). I shouldn't have pushed that guy away so fast; I shouldn't have made excuses. I should have told another guy how I truly felt about him; I didn't show him how I truly felt. I shouldn't have told that missionary that I'd wait for him. I should have been more careful and conscious financially. I should have had a Plan B. I should have known that I'd need Plans A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, and Y; crazy right?! :]
I could have been this___close to having my Associate's Degree in Early Childhood Education. I could be this.close to having my certificate in Administrative Assisting (just need to re-do one class and for that darn internship to actually count). I could have fallen in love (at least 3 different times). I could have gotten that dream job.. if it had been a realistic one. I could have stayed in Utah after the school year ended. I could have been so many other things. I could have.... isn't the list endless?
I am a college student. I am a Mormon. I am a person. I am an adult. I have lived on my own. I have lived in the city. I have found out so many of my idiosyncrasies. I have had so many experiences that I never imagined I'd have; but I'm so happy I've had them!! I am not married. I am not in love; I haven't experienced that yet. I am single and happy with that, for now. I am going to be a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; I will do so in the neighboring cities of Phoenix, Arizona. I am so happy that so many things didn't go the way that I thought or had planned they would. I am still waiting to find love, but obviously it's not my time yet; it's been so hard to accept that, but every day it becomes clearer why I need to wait longer; what I need to do before that time can come; how I need to improve myself. How can I be so happy if nothing I thought/planned turned out? How is that even possible? The explanation that truly explains how I feel.. How I can be okay with that..
I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father that knows me, my needs, my idiosyncrasies, my faults, what my makes me stubborn, my weaknesses, the best way(s) to teach me. I'm glad He knows all of that, but I'm especially glad that He loves me regardless. He loves me even though I am VERY impatient, I am stubborn, I tend to prefer to have things my way, I don't learn easily, I am hard to please, I keep to myself so Heavenly Father is the ONLY one who knows everything about me. He loves me and He wants what's best for me. He wants to help me improve. And He'll push me so hard so that I can improve. He's pushing me down paths I never imagined my self on, but they're the only way for me to go; to help me learn, experience, feel, etc. I will be stubborn, I'm going to fight the paths I don't want to go down. But I need to start realizing how much they're going to help me, prepare me for what's coming. They will, to some extent, eventually, help me get to where I originally thought I would go.
No comments:
Post a Comment