All my life I've been a loner. Wait. All throughout my life my best friend was my sister. She left to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Las Vegas in May.
I had a few good friends back home but I've never had a same deepness and level of connectivity with anyone, not as close as I had with my sister.
It was even harder moving here to Utah. I didn't know anyone when I first got here and I knew it'd be a while before I made friends, because that's just how I am. I don't trust. It takes a very long time for someone to gain my trust. And if they mess up, I don't know if I'll trust them again. I'm not really sure why that is, but it's the most difficult personality trait that I have to deal with. I want to trust people and get to know them. I want to have friends. I don't need to be 'popular'. I don't want to be 'popular'. Not everyone needs to know my name; I don't want them to. I want to have a few close friends and then several other friends that I'm not necessarily close with, but I will hang out with them.
I need to have a security. My best friend now is Heavenly Father. I think that's how it should be with every person. I would really love to have a best friend here at the BC with me.
I'm making a resolve to focus more on building friendships here. I knew I was going to struggle socially here. But I didn't know to what extent. I have some friends here at the BC but I really do need to find some people here that can relate to me on even deeper levels. Most of my friendships so far run only skin deep. I would love to see some friendships running deeper into my soul, maybe all the way through.
But I know the Lord will always be there for me.
I think I'm just feeling a little bit homesick. I was looking at artwork from and pictures of my preschoolers and wobblers today. I miss them. I miss being able to go to work and feeling the love from them. I love having that connection. Yes, it was hard because they weren't able to express their feelings out loud all the time. But I could tell how they felt. I miss knowing that I could not only make a difference, but that I was making a difference in their lives. What a huge responsibility. I'm so glad I was living my life the way that I was when I worked with those children. I understood a lot about how I could and did impact those children. It's been hard transitioning from influencing and making a difference in child's lives and switching to influencing and making a difference in adult's lives.
Maybe the transition was too quick. But it's happened. I'm going to have to work through this. I know I can do it.
I know I can because of these verses, Doctrine and Covenants 38:33, 35, and 39:
"...it shall be told them what they shall do; for I have a great work laid up in store, for Israel shall be bsaved, and I willclead them whithersoever I will, and no power shall dstay my hand.
"And they shall look to the poor and the needy, and administer to their arelief that they shall not suffer; and send them forth to the place which I have commanded them;
"And if ye seek the ariches which it is the will of the Father to give unto you, ye shall be the richest of all people, for ye shall have the riches of eternity; and it must needs be that the briches of the earth are mine to give; but beware of cpride, lest ye become as thedNephites of old."
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